you are, hopefully, out of your parents home and from their watchful eye and make decisions for yourself and have a job and provide for yourself.
some people get married,
some people have kids,
other people have none of that.
whatever it may be,
you still learn about you...
well,
you should.
what if in those early 20's you enter into a new community.
...maybe even the year or two before.
a community with deep, emotionally and spiritually involved connections.
a community where everyone has similar morals,
and by all observation,
live them out...
and if someone is outside the box of morality,
they are an outsider.
not included, wanted, invited.
this community is a very exclusive community after all...
despite as all-inclusive as they may claim.
at first glance,
they make an individual who has never known consistency, community, love, comfort...
to have it.
as long as you act and live within that box of morality.
and for 8 long years,
you do that.
..well,
at least in the public eye.
what happens in private,
stays in private...
right?
you were always good at melding,
making sure you weren't the sore thumb.
from birth,
you were a follower.
bossed around by someone older and bigger.
as you got older,
the shift changed to others who had a strong and decisive personality.
they loved you,
wanted you,
needed you...
well, they at least said they did.
but then shit hit the fan in your life.
your safe, comfortable bubble hit one personal blow after another.
the great disappointments...
you began "rebelling"
your community was worried.
...but that was just talk.
instead,
they would tell you you're angry.
they would tell you your opinions were wrong.
they wouldn't listen to you.
they wouldn't talk to you.
you realized...
to get their attention,
you had to be a bitch.
you had to be a pain in the ass.
you had to work so hard to belong.
and that was a pain in the ass.
you decided you needed a new opportunity,
and one came along.
one that began to consume all your time.
one that began to tear you away from that old community.
this new community was safe,
this new community was familiar with actual pain and trauma.
not self-imposed.
this new community thrived in discomfort.
your old community missed you,
they said.
you would invite them to your new community,
but unless you felt like pulling teeth,
they never showed.
never took an interest unless it would put them in the spotlight.
...and one day,
you realized.
it was toxic for you.
you realized you didn't actually matter to them,
well, unless you acted and behaved like them.
but you were done with that,
that would mean ignoring the trauma of your past,
that would mean focusing on them,
their minor issues that are huge for them.
it would mean...
not being you.
and that is possibly the worst crime of all.
your own fault.
so,
you decided no more.
YOU decided to leave once and for all,
their comments solidified this decision.
and in the last two years of your 20's,
you learn you are nothing like them.
you learn that trying to be like them,
was a coping mechanism from your traumatic childhood.
you learn you are truly unique,
and you crave that difference,
you need that difference to be you.
and it makes sense why you were so angry,
it makes sense why you got so mad when they'd say your fucking opinions were wrong.
well, you know..
besides the point that opinions are unique to an individual,
but that may be too much for them to comprehend in life.
it might hurt them.
...and when the worst event of your life happened,
they were no where.
but your new community was there,
actively.
continuously.
constant communication.
that new community...
was a healing salve on a wound you didn't even know existed.
it was THE BEST decision of your 20's.
because you started to become you.
..of all the things a father would want,
being uniquely you is of the utmost value.
you continue to contemplate those lost years,
...and all those who were so afraid of manipulation,
but they were the greatest manipulators of all.
do they even realize?
do they even know?
in the last three years,
you really learned what it is to love.
to actually love.
not just those easy to love,
but especially those hard to love.
to love the homeless, addicts, stinky, homosexual, transgender.
those with a different community,
different morals.
and to not just say you love,
but to actually love.
have a conversation without an agenda,
to develop a friendship without an agenda,
truly just get to know someone without an agenda,
communicate without an agenda,
spend time without an agenda.
...without an agenda.
without expectation they will become like you.
...and then,
you realized the thing that brought you to your new community,
wasn't ever going to happen.
but that was okay,
and you were ready to let go of that desire.
and you realized that life was fuller of joy before.
before becoming a part of that first community.
when you were still learning out of curiosity.
and without manipulation,
you meet someone.
in a meet-cue worth of a movie.
it takes you back to the days of simplicity.
it was so simple.
but both of you...
now in your 30's....
have been so hurt in the past.
scared to trust fully,
but with an insatiable desire to just be together.
doing nothing,
...or doing things.
it is slow to move,
slow to speak.
but so simple.
it is just you...
and him.
and you have unlearn everything from your 20's.
unlearn the toxic morals.
the thought that it is your duty to protect someone else's heart,
while giving away your own.
because...
it is your fucking heart.
you are the boss of it.
you are also the boss of your own life.
and your body.
and here you are,
with a stubborn ass agenda of your own.
the sass is back.
the motivation is beginning to bloom again.
only this time with maturity.
your decisions are yours to make,
living life scared to make a wrong decision,
is no way to live.
living life with strict morals to not make a "mistake" within your community...
is fucking dumb.
and you realized that many of the things they do,
are must more painful in the long run,
than the things they say not to do.
your stubborn ass curious sass has always been a part of you.
you admire it in your grandmother,
and it is in you.
...you be you.
here's to 2019
